White Fire (1984)

I'm going to peak early and talk about White Fire. It's the story of a brother-sister (and then brother-callgirl) caper to steal a legendary diamond from a Turkish mine.

SHOULD I WATCH IT?
Absolutely. Do not miss it. I hear that the DVD is a really poor quality transfer, so if you can find the VHS, grab it. Then treasure it forever. Definitely watch this with friends. It has a lot of "WTF" moments, including the most bizarre, creepy, incesty love triangle (?) in human history. You can also watch it with subtitles to fully comprehend how, in fact, incomprehensible the dialogue is.

PARTICIPATION

1. Call your local mental health clinic and request intensive psychotherapy.
2. Yell "moustache" whenever an extra's moustache appears. Pick your favorites.
3. Dance when the theme song is played.
4. Take a drink for childhood flashbacks.
5. Cheer for gruesome and unnecessary violence.

THE SUMMARY
The film opens with our heroes Bo and Ingrid as little kids, being led by their parents through the woods as they're chased by soldiers... for some reason. The parents are killed and this sets up the fact that Bo and Ingrid develop a tight bond, are adopted by somewhat shady characters, and fall into a life of crime. Zany crime, though!

Ingrid, in her jumpsuit-with-heels ensembles, now works at a diamond mine. The company office is some kind of leftover Battlestar Galactica set, complete with a red-paned stall that scans one for stolen diamonds upon entry. Death Star trench gunners haul off at least one guy to be electrocuted to death for trying to sneak a diamond out of the facility.

Consider relocating your business to beautiful Turkey!

Low taxes and no pesky red tape!

This doesn't deter her, however, from enlisting her brother Bo's (Robert Ginty, a.k.a. the Warrior of the Lost World) help in smuggling out a pouch of tiny diamonds, which is casually tossed around like a hoagie roll at Jimmy John's. I guess it's supposed to make our characters look cool, but all I could think about is how many diamonds were probably lost between seats in jeeps and cracks in the sidewalk.

The diamonds are intercepted by a (very) Italian and (very) fashionable crime boss named Sofia.

"Did I mention I'm Italian? Allow me to restate that."

Then we get to see a chainsaw-and-gaff fight with our heroes making a hilarious escape. You know, after they brutally disembowel people. The next day, an unfortunate miner discovers White Fire, a ham-sized diamond sitting in a cave that was unearthed by heavy construction equipment, but is still a legend that 90% of people know about. (The 10% of people who don't know about it are murdered on woodworking equipment in interrogations.)

The legend probably should have mentioned something about how it's highly radioactive and will melt your face off if you touch it.

So now it's a race against time to claim the White Fire. But let's talk about the nefarious pool scene.

Ingrid is taking a nice nude swim when her brother comes down to inform her it's dinner time. Okay. And then, out of nowhere, he... rips... the towel... off of her?

WHAT

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT

Ha-ha-ha, you said "if only you weren't my sister" and leered at my naked body.

It's cute and wacky!

It's the ultimate in "what the fuck just happened? did they seriously just go there? my jaw is now permanently detached from my skull" moments. It kind of makes me wonder what kind of childhood the writer-director had. Someone call the fucking police.

And it just gets weirder from here, folks. Ingrid is murdered because she knows about the White Fire; Sofia's gotten to the boss at the diamond mine, and everybody's getting greedy. Robert Ginty mopes around over the loss of his sister's hot, naked corpse, then meets a callgirl named Olga, who looks an awful lot like Ingrid. She agrees to help him steal the diamond. They also start kissing and stuff.

I don't know what's creepier, Bo staring lustfully at his sister or that scarf.

Olga also agrees to take a three-week vacation at the Castle Anthrax to undergo total facial reconstruction to look exactly like Ingrid, so she can infiltrate the mine.

The surgery is a success. She and Bo get right back to kissing, and boob-fondling. It's only after he starts flashing back to the face of his sister as a little girl that he thinks maybe it's a little strange that he's copping a feel from a prostitute who now looks exactly like a blood relative.

"It's not you, it's me. Maybe if you get naked and drape yourself in a towel...?"

We also get to watch Fred Williamson play a pimp (because it's fucking Fred Williamson) who is looking for Olga the prostitute. He mostly struts around being Fred Williamson. Of course, I have no problem with this whatsoever.

Sucka.

So some more things happen and ultimately the movie ends.

I want to take a moment to mention the stuntwork. It doesn't look... professional. I have to wonder how many poor Turks were grievously injured. Take, for instance, two scenes where flame effects are employed. There's acting like you're on fire and then there's being on fire. The "stuntmen" in these shots look like they are experiencing the latter, constantly slapping their faces with their hands and running in a blind panic.

Jesus Christ, is this guy okay?

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

The title song (not to mention the downtempo B-side) is also a wonderful earworm. It's the kind of thing you hear at 4 a.m. while on a pitch-black stretch of freeway somewhere in central California and can find just the one radio station on the tuner. In short: flawless.

As I said, do not miss White Fire. It's a film that has "worker's comp" written all over it, whether you're being fondled by Robert Ginty or set on fire by an incompetent crew. Enjoy!