Absolute Zero (2006)

With a catchphrase that will make you want to physically accost the screenwriter, this made-for-TV disaster flick revolves around the premise that the magnetic field of the earth can flip on a dime and that's what makes things cold. Prepare to roll your eyes directly out of your skull.

SHOULD I WATCH IT?
Yes. These 2000s disaster movies have a special place in my heart (and in hell). If you advanced beyond the 5th grade, such films cause you to suspect that you should be having cocktails with Stephen Hawking. You also start to feel not so bad about the times you've found yourself hating humanity. This can be a reassuring exercise. Normally I label myself a humanist, and spend a lot of time personally working to practice non-judgment... but once in a while it's nice to bathe in smug superiority. Disaster movies are the death-by-chocolate of mental desserts.

Another great one is the Asylum's 2012: Ice Age, which is actually the film I wanted to watch, but it was no longer available on Netflix. I'm trying to start the tradition of watching a bad snowstorm-themed movie when the first snow falls. It's a good excuse to snuggle up with cocoa, popcorn, and a tall boy of Milwaukee's Best from the convenience store. A true celebration of all things terrible.


PARTICIPATION

1. Take a drink every time someone says "science is never wrong".
2. Take a drink every time someone makes a global warming joke.
3. Brainstorm the implied layout of the Antarctica research base. Include the location of the Office Depot.
4. Post-film discussion. Who is more annoying: the computer genius character in Absolute Zero or the computer genius character in Jurassic Park? Explain.

THE SUMMARY
Jeff Fahey is a "scientist" who does research on magnetism and its effects on Making Stuff, Like, Really Cold. He has a big lab where he somehow brings it down to absolute zero in a controlled environment. Now, I don't know much about the details of temperatures that halt all molecular motion, but in the first five minutes, I had a feeling that maybe this wasn't going to be the most accurate depiction of science in a film ever. We're then aptly introduced to the... ugh... catchphrase:

Someone call Neil deGrasse Tyson. This is a Level 5 fallacy emergency.

See, science is wrong all the time. I don't mean from a creationist standpoint. I mean that the idea of science is to form ideas based on current evidence, then test that evidence with experimentation. Being wrong is part of science at its most fundamental level. If you're doing science right, you're open to the possibility that you made an error and need to re-form your hypothesis and test again to come closer to truth. And every time technology or statistics advance, we find new evidence that previously-held concepts might need further investigation and testing. SCIENCE IS WRONG ALL THE TIME. Lawnmower Man is talking about pseudoscience, which is never wrong in the case of delusional narcissists who hand-pick data to justify the values they know are wrong but are too scared to consciously challenge, because doing so would shake the foundations of their small and bitterly disappointing human existence, Dad.

...I mean... Jeff Fahey.

So, back to our main character. It's the classic trope of the guy who sees everything coming, and tries to warn people, and nobody listens. He's sent off to Antarctica as a distraction to investigate some general weirdness that's happening. There's a cute little rover with the words "ROVER" emblazoned upon it (note: it's a rover) that finds human remains in a cave. Upon one glimpse of the grainy footage, the scientists determine the frozen body is 10,000 years old. People in this movie are really good at pinpointing, to the day, things that happened tens of thousands of years ago. The end of the world can also be predicted (and is constantly shown to the audience) in the format of a countdown timer, to the second.

My favorite part about Antarctica is that the production crew was too cheap to grab more than the one valu-pak of soap flakes, so the "snow" is clearly a carpet with a thin dusting of stuff on top. You can constantly see the carpet bunching up under actors as they walk around.

It's like you're THERE, you guys.

All right, so after literally everyone else is killed in a freak storm, Jeff Fahey returns to Miami in the next scene. Don't ask questions. It just happened. We're also introduced to one of his colleagues and his wife (previously our hero's girlfriend), their daughter, and two college students who are trapped in the friendzone.

I will give credit where credit is due. Taylor Swift and Seth Rogen are not as irritating as they could have been here.

The rest of the film is, of course, everything getting really cold and our cast struggling to get to the lab where they will inexplicably be safe. We watch mom leave her 9 year-old daughter in a corridor, to face the end of the world alone, while she tries to rescue Corporate Asshole Guy in an elevator, despite the fact that he's totally trying to kill her. Parenting! Simultaneously we have to, of course, do some computer hacking to restore the power. There's also some absolute-zero-proof environmental suits that are in the building somehow. Obviously, you have to go outside for the big climax.

Did I mention that this is all because the magnetic field of the earth randomly flip-flopped?

Oh my God, Lawnmover Man has other people saying it now, too.

My frontal lobe is missing.

This has backfired. I was feeling so smart. Now I can't feel anything.

NO. IT'S NOT TRUE.

Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death (1989)

A professor of women's studies delves into the "wilderness" of California to try to dissuade a tribe of cannibalistic feminists from eating men. She's joined by an airhead student and Bill Maher. It's a... "comedy".

SHOULD I WATCH IT?
There's a really distinct feel to this movie. It's low budget camp... the sort you'd find on Comedy Central at 2 p.m. on a Saturday. You know, when you were in high school and had nothing better to do. If you had a cooler adolescence than me, you were probably stoned at the time, because who watches Comedy Central at 2 p.m. when there's not mind-altering substances involved? (No, I didn't smoke. I was too busy doing some combination of sucking my thumb, chugging Mountain Dew, and playing Final Fantasy IV.) Anyway, if you're going for that sort of nostalgia, dig it. Otherwise, I'd say you can do a lot better. We recently watched Fatal Instinct, which falls into this same era of campy movies, but the difference was I actually cracked a smile at Fatal Instinct. And if you're looking for a jungle women exploitation flick, you'll be disappointed. There is one scene with boobs and they're blurred out. Literally any other movie gives you more nudity than this. Sorry, bros.


PARTICIPATION

1. Make a list of the Comedy Central-aired movies you've seen at least twice.
2. Take a drink every time guacamole is referenced.
3. Take a drink for every "joke" that does not cause you to laugh.
4. Call 911 at the 10 minute mark and report your imminent alcohol poisoning.

THE SUMMARY
Somebody tell Fresno that they're entrenched in the wild and dangerous avocado jungle. 'Cause that's what this map is implying. Also, Death Valley, Bakersfield, and everything east of L.A. Was this movie conceived in Kasakhstan? Even as a movie for stoners, I'm not buying it.

All right, so she's a feminist and she's a ditz.  Prepare for those wacky jokes.

There is a boom mic in this scene, though. You can at least revel in that.

...wait, why are there mathematical equations on the whiteboard of the women's studies lecture hall? Oh, right. Because college.

The whole movie feels like it was filmed in the same public park. There are lush green lawns in the middle of the "jungle". You kind of keep looking for a frisbee to enter the frame. You feel embarrassed for the crew.

Is the plot important? I guess I could talk about that. Feminist lady, ditz lady, and Bill Maher, their guide, are looking for the cannibal women. The cannibal women eat men. There's not-funny jokes about feminism and masculinity. Maybe this was cutting edge in 1989?

At one point in the film, our intrepid voyagers come across a group of men who live in the jungle and make peace offerings (like crocheted potholders) to the cannibal tribes in hopes they will not become dinner. Bill Maher is vexed by their lack of machismo and shows them how to be real men, namely by drinking 2% ABV beer and catcalling. Which immediately inspires the tribe to try to rape someone. Thanks, movie.

If it weren't so stupid, I might feel insulted. As a man or a woman.
I don't even know how to feel any more.

Adrienne Barbeau - that actress that you swear you've seen before, maybe it was on some kinda Star Trek, or Murder, She Wrote, or any other TV show filmed between 1985 and 1995 - plays the leader of the cannibal women, previously a renowned feminist scholar. There's big cardboard sets and women running around in face paint and skimpy clothes (but as I mentioned above, not-skimpy-enough-to-fulfill-those-needs).

I dunno. It's a thing we watched. Overall, pretty boring. My poor husband was convinced that I'd never let him pick another movie again. And you know what? Maybe I won't. Someone must pay.

White Fire (1984)

I'm going to peak early and talk about White Fire. It's the story of a brother-sister (and then brother-callgirl) caper to steal a legendary diamond from a Turkish mine.

SHOULD I WATCH IT?
Absolutely. Do not miss it. I hear that the DVD is a really poor quality transfer, so if you can find the VHS, grab it. Then treasure it forever. Definitely watch this with friends. It has a lot of "WTF" moments, including the most bizarre, creepy, incesty love triangle (?) in human history. You can also watch it with subtitles to fully comprehend how, in fact, incomprehensible the dialogue is.

PARTICIPATION

1. Call your local mental health clinic and request intensive psychotherapy.
2. Yell "moustache" whenever an extra's moustache appears. Pick your favorites.
3. Dance when the theme song is played.
4. Take a drink for childhood flashbacks.
5. Cheer for gruesome and unnecessary violence.

THE SUMMARY
The film opens with our heroes Bo and Ingrid as little kids, being led by their parents through the woods as they're chased by soldiers... for some reason. The parents are killed and this sets up the fact that Bo and Ingrid develop a tight bond, are adopted by somewhat shady characters, and fall into a life of crime. Zany crime, though!

Ingrid, in her jumpsuit-with-heels ensembles, now works at a diamond mine. The company office is some kind of leftover Battlestar Galactica set, complete with a red-paned stall that scans one for stolen diamonds upon entry. Death Star trench gunners haul off at least one guy to be electrocuted to death for trying to sneak a diamond out of the facility.

Consider relocating your business to beautiful Turkey!

Low taxes and no pesky red tape!

This doesn't deter her, however, from enlisting her brother Bo's (Robert Ginty, a.k.a. the Warrior of the Lost World) help in smuggling out a pouch of tiny diamonds, which is casually tossed around like a hoagie roll at Jimmy John's. I guess it's supposed to make our characters look cool, but all I could think about is how many diamonds were probably lost between seats in jeeps and cracks in the sidewalk.

The diamonds are intercepted by a (very) Italian and (very) fashionable crime boss named Sofia.

"Did I mention I'm Italian? Allow me to restate that."

Then we get to see a chainsaw-and-gaff fight with our heroes making a hilarious escape. You know, after they brutally disembowel people. The next day, an unfortunate miner discovers White Fire, a ham-sized diamond sitting in a cave that was unearthed by heavy construction equipment, but is still a legend that 90% of people know about. (The 10% of people who don't know about it are murdered on woodworking equipment in interrogations.)

The legend probably should have mentioned something about how it's highly radioactive and will melt your face off if you touch it.

So now it's a race against time to claim the White Fire. But let's talk about the nefarious pool scene.

Ingrid is taking a nice nude swim when her brother comes down to inform her it's dinner time. Okay. And then, out of nowhere, he... rips... the towel... off of her?

WHAT

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT

Ha-ha-ha, you said "if only you weren't my sister" and leered at my naked body.

It's cute and wacky!

It's the ultimate in "what the fuck just happened? did they seriously just go there? my jaw is now permanently detached from my skull" moments. It kind of makes me wonder what kind of childhood the writer-director had. Someone call the fucking police.

And it just gets weirder from here, folks. Ingrid is murdered because she knows about the White Fire; Sofia's gotten to the boss at the diamond mine, and everybody's getting greedy. Robert Ginty mopes around over the loss of his sister's hot, naked corpse, then meets a callgirl named Olga, who looks an awful lot like Ingrid. She agrees to help him steal the diamond. They also start kissing and stuff.

I don't know what's creepier, Bo staring lustfully at his sister or that scarf.

Olga also agrees to take a three-week vacation at the Castle Anthrax to undergo total facial reconstruction to look exactly like Ingrid, so she can infiltrate the mine.

The surgery is a success. She and Bo get right back to kissing, and boob-fondling. It's only after he starts flashing back to the face of his sister as a little girl that he thinks maybe it's a little strange that he's copping a feel from a prostitute who now looks exactly like a blood relative.

"It's not you, it's me. Maybe if you get naked and drape yourself in a towel...?"

We also get to watch Fred Williamson play a pimp (because it's fucking Fred Williamson) who is looking for Olga the prostitute. He mostly struts around being Fred Williamson. Of course, I have no problem with this whatsoever.

Sucka.

So some more things happen and ultimately the movie ends.

I want to take a moment to mention the stuntwork. It doesn't look... professional. I have to wonder how many poor Turks were grievously injured. Take, for instance, two scenes where flame effects are employed. There's acting like you're on fire and then there's being on fire. The "stuntmen" in these shots look like they are experiencing the latter, constantly slapping their faces with their hands and running in a blind panic.

Jesus Christ, is this guy okay?

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

The title song (not to mention the downtempo B-side) is also a wonderful earworm. It's the kind of thing you hear at 4 a.m. while on a pitch-black stretch of freeway somewhere in central California and can find just the one radio station on the tuner. In short: flawless.

As I said, do not miss White Fire. It's a film that has "worker's comp" written all over it, whether you're being fondled by Robert Ginty or set on fire by an incompetent crew. Enjoy!

Gakudori (2011)

Gakudori is a homage to the time-honored tale of teenagers trying to achieve amazing feats that will have no impact whatsoever on their adult lives. It's about... drifting cars. More than that, apparently drifting movies are totally a genre. I'm afraid. Hold me.

SHOULD I WATCH IT?
I wouldn't say it's in my top ten, or even twenty, but it's not unbearable. The bad translations and subtitle misspellings are funny at times, and there's lots of weird flip transitions and split-screen effects. If you're into anime or manga - say, Initial D - it's worth seeing why these types of stories fare better in the animated medium. It's also worth noting that if I hadn't taken careful notes, the plot would have made no sense to me. It's kind of a head-scratcher as far as who's doing what, when, why, and how, almost like a highly compressed soap opera. If confusion irritates you, maybe skip this one, or watch it with a group so you can try to compare notes about what's going on. You'll need the help. It's at times mythical, at times goofy, at times dramatic.

If you're going to watch a drifting movie, I recommend Midnight Drift instead.


PARTICIPATION

1. Write down each character's name as it appears on-screen. Create a diagram of their relationships to each other. (Posterboard works best.)
2. Make zombie noises for wide-angle shots of people standing in groups.
3. Take a drink for split-screen effects.
4. Throw your arms up and yell "DRAGO!" when characters shout to the sky.
5. Make obnoxious engine noises at every opportunity.

THE SUMMARY
The first thing to say is that I wrote down the name of every character that was given in the subtitles, and it came to over 15. That's a lot of characters, man. The movie switches between 3 to 4 major storylines, and then flashbacks within those storylines. It was my husband's second time seeing this one, and he was still having a hard time keeping track of all the threads.

Gakudori is the all-wide drifting competition for university students, and everybody wants to enter. From the auto club, which spends most of their functions standing around in a line...

...to four girls who augment their driving skills with makeup seminars and low-impact aerobics, in an attempt to perfect "the drifts only women can do"...

...and some other guy, whose name we never actually learn, but I guess his arc is supposed to be important, or something.

We watch all of these characters toil, build their drifting skills, make difficult choices, and yell their aspirations into the horizon for about an hour and ten minutes, and then get to the actual drifting competition, which ends up having basically no payoff. We see one of the girls and Nameless Guy drift for a few seconds, and then it's back to one of our characters from the auto club for the big climax. 'Cause I guess two-thirds of the story was just kinda filler.

As far as I could tell, nobody actually wins. The last frame of the film is a car driving off into the sky.

No, really. A guy drives into the sky on a floating road.

It's kind of like ending Rocky with a shot of Balboa leaping into the air, punching a flaming hole in the roof of the arena, and giving the thumbs-up in mid-air. Freeze frame. Cut to black.

Oh, Japan.