Down 'n Dirty (2001)

Renegade cop, everybody's-in-on-it, blah blah blah. But have I made it clear that I love Fred Williamson? He is amazing. Fred Williamson plays Fred Williamson in a movie about Fred Williamson directed by Fred Williamson. And look at that quality cover art. Quality!

SHOULD I WATCH IT?
Cop movies are a whole thing. It's nice to know the tropes and then groan your way through them. Most cop movies are absurdly alike and there's something comforting about that. Nice, predictable, classic. To me, anyway.

I will also go into detail now about Fred Williamson, because I am beginning to watch any of his films that I can get my hands on. He's one of those fellows who did the football-to-film transition (like Woody Strode, only with a kickin' moustache) and then transitioned from blaxploitation star to his own production company, Po' Boy Productions. He's a charismatic brother who, according to legend, was not picky about taking on a movie role so long as he punched people and got the girl in the end. He's always got a cigar in his mouth and makes his fingers into little kung-fu tiger claws when he fights. I love him to pieces. He's a dude who knows what he wants and makes it happen. How can you not applaud a career like that?

PARTICIPATION

1. Make a list of every cop movie trope you can think of. Call them out during the film.
2. Take a drink every time Fred grumbles "Yeah. Right."
3. Take a drink when Fred drops something.
4. Yell "safety's off!" when a cop violates a basic tenet of gun safety.
5. Do your favorite Kill Bill bit when David Carradine pops up.

THE SUMMARY
Our hero's name is Dakota Smith. I've started turning on the subtitles for almost every film I watch, but in this one I forgot to do so until about 10 minutes in, so I thought his name was Jack. No, it's Dak. Short for Dakota. Cop movie trope the first: badass, all-American name.

...what are you doing in my post, Joe Don Baker?
I mean, Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III.

It's the standard betrayal, cover-up, dirty politicians, whatever story that you really don't care to follow the details of because you are never really clear on who is who anyway. Dakota's partner is killed in a raid and, for whatever reason, the other cops on the scene try to immediately pin it on him? Like it's a set-up? But there's really no consequences. So Dakota runs around trying to uncover the scandal by strong-arming and threatening people while doing no other actual detective work, although I guess he's getting paid for something. Along the way he meets a sassy young photographer who helps him. But mostly Dakota Smith is grumpy old bastard who is clearly only a "detective" because of a terrible, stonewalling union, and people just sort of let him do whatever he wants. We hear names of bad cops, a DA, and some mobster and they're really kinda interchangeable because you don't see most of them until the last 30 minutes of the movie (because Gary Busey and David Carradine don't come cheap).

One of my favorite things about Dakota Smith is that he is clumsy. It's probably not intentional on the part of the filmmakers, but an integral component to his character - and his survival - is that he has butterfingers. First, in what appears to be a bad take, he's leaving a convenience store with a teetering heap of snacks for him and his teenage son. He drops a corn dog on the asphalt, awkwardly picks it up, and then continues to the car to give it to his son. This is the introduction to our scene establishing that he's a good dad. Sometimes it's really worth it to get that second take.

Just pick out the cigarette butts, it's good for you!

Later, he drops his cigar, which saves him from an assassin's bullet. He literally trips on a tripwire, the fall of which causes the wall-mounted gun to miss. Finally, he drops his keys. It's only because he bends down to pick them up that he sees a huge red wire of a freaking bomb sticking out of his car door.

So what we have here is a hero who does not have detective skills, and isn't the guy on the force with the crack shot... rather, he is incredibly clumsy and lucky. It's never a good thing when your hero's arc is propelled by blind luck. Maybe it's a self-aware joke on the part of Fred Williamson and his aging film crew: how they're turning into old men and doing old man things like forgetting to pick up their wife's prescription and calling their kids to help them turn on the WebTV because it "started acting funny". I really would have liked a scene, then, wherein Dakota Smith busts out a pair of reading glasses.

But this isn't the case, because the film takes great care to establish that our 63 year-old star is lusted after by all the ladies.

All.

The.

Ladies.

Even the widow of his partner!

(Wait, Fred was 63 when he made this? Damn, lookin' good. I mean. What?)

It's kind of refreshing when the process behind a film is clearly a bunch of dudes having a good time and living out their pussy-chasing vigilante dreams. They don't take themselves too seriously and they're not ashamed of what they're putting out into the world. However cheesy a film is, you gotta give them respect for that. Maybe somebody collects their cat's vomit and shapes it into stegosauruses to put in small dioramas scattered throughout their mother's basement. By God, shake their hand and say "good for you!".

The only thing cop-movie-making dudes fantasize about more than getting tail is fun-lovin' hazing, like firing off a couple rounds at the gun range... aimed at each other.

I want to say this is terrible and grossly insulting to police officers, but given the headlines these days, I start to think maybe the writer did some hard research into gun policy here.

I do, however, love the (sadly lacking number of) scenes featuring this teddy bear cop. He was a little excited to perfect his 'do halfway through filming, and took the coif in for a Franciscan monk kind of look.

I just wanna snuggle him!

...and then tell him there's no shame in going bald, but there is shame in a high-sheen combover that is capable of alerting aircraft to your position... oh. I suppose this is Bubba Smith, yet another football player-turned-actor, who died in 2011. Too soon? I'll snuggle him in the afterlife. (In the meantime, Fred, call me.)

There's also a really awkward scene involving a female traffic cop. She's writing our detective a ticket and then he, like, tries to get out of it? I think? The scene goes on for way too long and has no point. This wincing actress also looks really uncomfortable. Maybe she was an actual traffic cop and as the production van was getting an actual ticket, Fred was like "hey, I'll put you in our movie if you don't give us the ticket", proving that art does imitate life and life imitates art. After all, if you can't afford a second corn dog and you can't afford Bubba Smith (seriously, is it too soon?), you probably can't afford a parking ticket, either.

As a special treat, I will end this post with some fresh rhymes from the title song.

Do you really wanna call Dakota?

Everybody out here is dependin' on him

Do you really wanna call Dakota?

Everybody wanna know what Dakota gonna do

Do you really wanna call Dakota?

Everybody is out there watching him

Do you really wanna call?

Do you really wanna call?

Do you?

Bronx Executioner (1989)

The cover above has about as much to do with the movie as the movie has to do with the movies it's comprised of in relation to one another. It's '80s Italian post-apocalyptic fodder combined with random cop saga. After viewing, I learned that a lot of the footage is from the movie The Final Executioner.

SHOULD I WATCH IT?
I'd say no. It's more irritating than funny. There is a lot of re-used footage that drags on and on, giving one the impression that the filmmakers were stretching everything really thin to create a full-length movie. We had a hard time getting through it, so only the bravest and most masochistic viewers should make an attempt. I'm really curious to see The Final Executioner, though, and make comparisons.

PARTICIPATION
1. Use a stopwatch to track scenes from the time they start to the resolution. Especially for establishing shots.
2. Call out every instance in which a take is re-used.
3. Shout "okelie dokelie!" whenever someone refers to Ned.
4. Take a drink when someone refers to Humanoids and Androids and you're not sure which is which.
5. Tally every time you see this stairwell (white light on the left, blue on the right):

THE SUMMARY
We're shown about six hours of establishing shots. There's technology, from control panels to rocket staging areas to TV test patterns. This is to inform the viewer that our story takes place in the future. Then we get lots of shots of New York City to gently imply that this is happening in New York City. Did we mention it's New York City? Here's a bridge. And the World Trade towers. And another bridge. Gotta have night shots, too. NEW YORK CITY! 'Cause it's called Bronx Executioner. Gotta make that clear. New York City. New York City, guys.

That said... the bulk of the film takes place in either 1) a quarry or 2) a castle. It's not even like they say the Bronx was destroyed or anything. The Bronx is just inexplicably the fucking wilderness. But then I can't really complain. It's a post-apocalyptic Italian movie; you're gonna see some quarries.

Our hero is a cop who's assigned to the "Bronx" and meets his contact, whom everyone calls "The Black Man".

"Go to the Bronx and ask for the black man. They'll know who you mean."

I suppose our cop hero really wants the sheriff's badge, and so Woody Strode puts him through a training montage. I do love a good training montage. Apparently a good way to train someone is to suspend them from a catwalk and try to smash their knuckles with a lead pipe. Also, crawling under barbed wire.

This is probably the most credible act of the NYPD in recent years.

The facilities are also top-notch.

The problem the police are attempting to solve is that there are Humanoid and Android gangs warring. It's kind of like Blade Runner, if you never knew what differentiated either side, or even which character was supposed to be on which side. I... think the androids are the malfunctioning ones, and the humanoids are the kind of more functional ones? In both gangs, the dress code is comprised of studded leather jackets and/or denim. In the case of the leader of the Humanoids (I think), the outfit of choice is suspenders and a Michigan tank top. We got to calling him "Tatters".

My husband suggested that he has a closet full of shirts like this and has to pick just the right one to start his day.

The villains are the Androids (still not sure on this one), namely Shark and Margi. The movie does us the favor of showing a rape scene in which no pants are so much as unbuttoned, and then has the villains re-watch it later on a monitor. As Michael J. Nelson would say, "when a movie starts showing you parts of itself, you know you're in trouble".

There are some positives, though: Shark does bear a little resemblance to Dune-era Kyle MacLachlan. (Cat sound.) And for fans of the female form, you totally get to see Margi naked. Eye candy for everyone! Because exploitation movie, after all.

Other highlights of the film include attack dogs that look more like they're after tennis balls than human flesh; shots being re-used at least 4 times; lots of blinky control panels; walkie-talkies; motorcycle stunts; synthesized saxophones; lots and lots and lots of running around; and, of course, the end.

What does it mean when the continuity person is the first credit?